Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
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The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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