Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
