mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
