i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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