I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
