Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
