she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
