just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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