Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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