I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Drake has all the answers
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
