he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
