So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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