so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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