Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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