my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
