She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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