We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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