I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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