i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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