I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
last night I used snow as a chaser
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