Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
