from now on my penis is your penis
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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