BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
