How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
