i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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