I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
