I like my sex mixed with concussions.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
