They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
