Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
