I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
