His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
