I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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