I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
