I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
