I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
