Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
