and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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