Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
