I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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