Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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