Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
