I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
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He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
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A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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