Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
