I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
