Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
