honey bunches of taint.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
