i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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