...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
