i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
