NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
