i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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