I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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