She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
