Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
