everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
