Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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