she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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