So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
